Max Gadney is leading us in a march to Brighton. ‘In this heat’, I say, ‘I will be sweating like a dog’. This goes unheeded.
There is massive confusion about the cross formation we have to march in. Or rather the formation we have to march in is like a box if you view us from the top. The box has a border one person thick round it, and then everyone else is in white in the middle, bar those people that are forming the cross, who are in a darker blue.
We are all dressed like Napoleon – you know hat, high coat, boots, the lot. Max is arguing the toss with Paul Sissons and Maire Flynn about which way round the cross should go, as they all have three completely different plans. In fact Maire’s plan has a ‘T’ not a cross.
Now I am back at the flat. I have taken a quiet moment away to download a porno movie called ‘Forbidden girls’. I am using Bit Torrent to get it, and it is actually streaming. To my immense dissappointment, there is no bog roll, kitchen roll or toggies lying around so a wank is out of the question. And I so want one.
Someone (Monkey Dave I think) asks me if that’s porn I am downlaoding, I say it is and he looks surprised at my answer. I then see the reason why, because Heather is in the room next door, and comes out. Luckily she didn’t hear.
I am leaning out of the front window of our flat looking around. Its hot and sunny, and I can see our landlord Adam on the common.
‘Adam’, I shout as I wave to him. He waves back and says hello, before turning over to sun himself. I need to speak to him about the taps in the bathroom of the flat though, so I keep waving. Some stranger who is under the tree near him realises this and taps him on the shoulder.
Then I make the international hand gesture for turning taps off and on with my hands. After about 3 minutes of this he realises what I am on about and falls back with his head in his hands as if you say, ‘Oh, fuck, I have only just remembered I was supposed to fix that’. He signals that he is coming over.
Now, I have to go downstairs and let him in. We don’t here him the first time, so I continue to look out of the window. Then Heather (who has joined me) sees him by the door, dressed like an olympic runner. He is all boney and thin too. I go to let him in.
I get into the hall and realise I am bollock naked. Running back up stairs, I grab some clothes. Now I go outside to find Elton John, his partner, and Jon Tremlett who used to live above us, all standing by a big pile of leaves. Jon is evidently going to show Elton how the renovation on his flat is going.
Elton has this really wide stocky barrell chested body (like Eric Cantona). Not only that but he has this giant head that is the same width.
If thats not odd enough t this point I realise that I have only put a t-shirt on. And nothing else.
Hiding my embaressment, I apologise, and make some crack about me being half naked being dangerous in front of Elton, nudge nudge, wink wink. He laughs and says its not him I have to worry about but Jon, especially now its after 2pm.
I then make some joke about using the leaves to cover my modesty/garden of eden/Adam and Eve.
We go upstairs into Jon’s flat, and he shows us the new units in his kitchen, which are all cheap stained pine wood things. We walk into the living room, but it turns out to be our kitchen now.
Jon has put some of the leftover units into our kitchen. Adam (wherever he has gone) isn’t going to be chuffed.
I am watching ‘Forbidden girls again now’, and despite my rapidly pressing apple-H when Heather comes in, the movie just keeps flicking between full screen and double size. And the sound wont mute either.
Unsurprisingly heather notices. She asks if thats porn I am watching. I say yes. She chuckles and says, ‘Oh you, with yer porn. Is that for while I am away? Did you do it by accident, or did you feel you had to?’
Luckily, the scene completely changes to one of moving in chaos, as new media have just moved in to the new media centre at white city, and I am now there. Its on like a messanine floor.
For some reason I am constantly chewing either a massive drumstick lolly or refreshers. Either way, i am chaining them, and my mouth is getting sore.
The media centre seems to be split into three rooms. A chill out room, one admin room, one design room. None of the rooms are very big, probs only about 20 foot by 20 foot.
In the chill out room I see a big bloke who I apparently was staring out in the bar a few nights ago (not in real like, in a dream that I don’t remember). I apologise to him, and he says that its okay, it has to be done.
There are people playing table football, and there is like a cabinet at the end of the room near the open entrance. I pull out one of the cupboard doors, and it slides out sideways, with a shelf attached to it containing one of those early 80s TVs with a radio built in. I curse the fact that this is supposed to be a state of the art office.
I then go and check out my desk, and I have no two monitors, and someone has walked off with the top of my desk. I catch the guy who looks like my old geography teacher, Mr Corbett.
I start shouting and he looks hurt, so I calm myself, apologise and tell him that I am pissed off but its not his fault. He explains that he needs the top of the desk as it has one of those mechanisms to raise and lower it and there is a shortage. Getting slightly riled a say I need mine for ergonomic reasons. Out of the corner of my eye I spy my cousin, Lishka (who died at 16 in real life, some 10+ years ago, RIP) shouting the odds at someone for not doing something.
He tells me I need to go see someone in the admin room. I go through, but I have a particularly large bit of refresher/drumstick in my mouth, and its proving difficult to get rid of. They look like they are in a meeting, so I don’t interrupt, I just hover round the edges.
I then notice in the chill out room that there is a mum and child bear (or people dressed up as such rather) at the end of the room. As its all open plan, I go to the end of the admin room and wave at the little child bear. He waves back. I laugh.
As the refresher is proving difficult to swallow/chew, I go into the chill out room, but the bears are gone. As I walk in, a little boy runs paste my crying, screaming about how ‘they’ve made it into a homosexual horse. Why did they make it into a homosexual horse’.
I didn’t even know there was a horse.