Rather oddly, the Batcave was behind my house in York. So instead of going through the back gate (which is actually at the front side of the house) and into our back yard, it lead into the Batcave. You couldn’t go through the gate though, you had to climb over it.
I was in the Batcave, and there were no super computers or Batmobiles (check out the shit new one here), just a large opening at one side. This opening had a platform edge, and then just pitch black.
At this point I went to the edge of the platform, and saw a tube track, like the ones you get in the London underground. I wondered if it was the same sort of electrical track set-up as on the underground, and as I was doing this, I noticed a tramp crossing it, taking care to stand on the rails only, as there was nothing but void underneath them.
The sudden rush of air being forced out of a tunnel indicated to me that whatever moved on this track would shortly be going past this platform. I stepped back, pausing to see the tramp disappear into darkness.
As I stepped back, a huge juggernaught pulled in on the tracks. The back was like the ones used to transport cars, with the open sides.
The cab was open too. And Batman was driving. Except it looked like a cross between Adam West’s Batman, and a cuddly toy batman, that appears in my history of Batman book.
In the back of the truck, instead of cars, was some luggage. To be more precise it was Laura McGrath’s luggage – she of ex-girlfriend/bitch fame (let it go Loz).
There was a letter on top of the luggage, and being the nosey bastard that I am, I opened it. It was addressed to her parents, and it mentioned me in it, but instead of ‘Loz’ or ‘Laurence’ my name was down as ‘Loo-rence’, with a smiley face and bracketed exclamation marks by the side of it. This obviously shit piss take of my name did not sit too well.
Anyway, it turned out that she was moving back to York. I put the letter back in its envelope and sealed it again.
Now I am walking down Coney street in York, going to WH Smiths to work. There is a phone booth in the middle of the road, and the phone is ringing. I answer it.
The voice on the other end is Laura’s. She ask’s if that is WH Smiths. I lie and say yes. She then proceeds to tell me that she wont be coming into work today. I don’t ask why, but all through this conversation I am putting on that voice that Homer does, when he pretends to be someone else (‘Hello, I’m mister Burns’. ‘What’s your first name sir?’. ‘I don’t know’.)
So now I am walking down my street towards my house. Mi mam is outside, in that old pink dressing gown of hers, shouting at someone round the corner, near the back gate. As I draw closer I can see who it is. You can guess can’t you. So it transpires that Laura is at our house, trying to get into the Batcave. Mi mam is trying to stop her, and has told her that I know all about what she is up to, and also let her in on the little secret that I had opened her mail.
At this point I went ballistic, both with Laura and mi Mam. To mi Mam, I politely inquired, ‘What the fuck did you do that for? You didn’t need to tell her’, to which she cunningly burst into tears and ran back inside. I instantly feel shit, but I am still angry that she blabbed.
To Ms McGrath, ‘Why don’t you just do us all a favour and fuck off back to where ever it is you came?’. This produces a volley of insults, but eventually she leaves.
Pud and Our Kid appear from nowhere and we begin walking towards town for some reason. The last thing I remember saying – ‘Anyone fancy a pint?’